Small and Broken
by ripcurlgirl101
Summary: A short story on Sam and Dean and John. A bit on 'Asylum' a bit about young Sam and Dean, a bit about 'pilot'. Really just a reflection on the family. Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, never have, not likely to, but I can dream can't I? PLZ REVIEW!


This is my family. It's small and broken. But it's good. Yeah, still good.

Sam: Smart, 'normal', nice…Dean: Cocky, smartass, strong…

It was strange. HE was strange.

Normal kids get reprimanded for wagging school. Normal kids get grounded for swearing and pushing their little siblings down stairs. Normal kids get told off for gambling their pocket money. Normal kids got yelled at for believing in ghosts and zombies and other crap (when they were older), for getting into trouble at school and for knowing too much about guns and weaponry.

Sam Winchester got reprimanded for getting an 'A' in a science test and wanting to go to a science club meeting. Sam got told off for not defending himself when his older brother gave him a concussion, broken arm and cracked a few ribs when he was pushed down the stairs. Sam got told when he gambled his pocket and didn't win. Sam got yelled at for not cleaning his gun properly, for not wanting to go on the hunt and for not shooting first and asking questions later.

Sam Winchester was strange.

He wanted more than anything to be a normal kid. To be praised for the awesome soccer-star goal. For the 112 maths test. For getting a scholarship to some high school he wouldn't ever attend. To be comforted by a mother's touch as he had a nightmare. To be comforted and told there weren't 'things' out there wanting to take his family and him. And he wanted it to stop. The endless hunts…it would never stop.

Dean Winchester was an awesome hunter.

He did everything his little brother didn't without question. He always shot first and asked questions later. He was a devoted hunter. He didn't care about school. He followed his Dad's every command no questions asked. He picked up any girl for a one-night-stand. He could play pool and poker and darts better than anyone. Already, he was helping his father in credit-card scams. He was trained in hand-to-hand combat, every weapon skill, his reflexes, the supernatural and paranormal and at being the best big brother ever. And Dean never questioned it. He was more of a father to Sam than John ever was. He practically bought him up. It was Dean who pulled Sam from the fire. Dean who congratulated him on being Dux of the school. Dean who cooked his tea, and sacrificed his own bowl of Lucky Charms. Dean who comforted him when he had nightmares. Dean was a great warrior with one weakness: Sammy.

Sam wanted the normal life. To get a job and go to college. To go to school with his big brother after his mum kissed him goodbye and go to soccer practice after school and then to the science club meeting. He wanted to stay in a house more than a couple of months. He wanted a place to call home, with mum, dad, Dean, friends…and he knew he couldn't. Mary was never coming back. The hunting would never stop and Sam would be denied his dream life forever.

Dean wanted more than anything for Sammy to be happy. Sammy was never happy these days. Dean knew why. John didn't care. When he heard Sammy crying he was beside him. And school bullies were no match for Dean Winchester. He fought the Supernatural for a living; bullies were nothing. No one ever knew Dean had nightmares of his own. No one knew Dean was often in more pain than he let on when he was injured. No one ever knew how painful Dean's life was. No one ever saw through his infamous poker face. Not even Sammy. Dean hated to look weak in any way.

Sammy envied his big brother. He was Dad's favourite. Always Dad's favourite. Never turned down a hunt, was strong – physically and emotionally. He had strong muscle, he was a strong fighter, had a strong personality and was strong-willed. There was one thing Sammy never questioned – his brother's well-being.

Dean did everything to protect Sammy. He didn't tell a soul of his own fears and dreams. Didn't tell little Sammy how much he needed him. For more reasons than to just keep him on the edge of insanity. And no one knew how much he hated his school, his life.

Sammy had always envied his big brother of his practically perfect life. Sammy had always believed Dean. Sammy was always too wrapped p in his own life to cross-analyse Dean. And besides, who would cross-analyse Dean? It was impossible. Sam had always wanted to get away from his family.

One day he did it. Many years later, he escaped. He'd escaped the hunting life, his confident, cocky, smartass brother. Most of all, he'd escaped his father. The one forcing him on hunts, forcing him to learn all the antics of a wendigo among other pointless stuff. Sam got away to college.

Dean was broken that day. His little brother who he'd led his life to protect had gone. Baby Sammy had grown up too quick. Sammy was Sam and though Dean had known this for years, he'd give everything to have his little, whining, smart, PAINFUL brother back. Anything. For the briefest of seconds something that looked suspiciously like a tear formed I his eye. Dean had lost some part of him that day. Some part was stolen from him on the night Sammy left for college. Little Sammy had taken Dean's heart and put it through a mincer.

Dean always took his brothers side in the many John-Sam fights. Dean always covered up for his brother when he disobeyed an order. But Dean had his secrets, too.

And Sam, Sam had taken it all for granted. Sam had still left him. His father, acting like he didn't care when inside he'd seen how bad the fights had gotten, how he'd let Mary down…he'd let his son away from his care. And it was all his fault. He continued Hunting. But he always checked on Sammy at college. Always. And Dean never failed to come along. Both hid their feelings by hunting more ferociously and fiercely than ever. Neither cared if they died. Dean had lost Sammy. John had lost his wife and now his son, too.

Two years later, Dean's dad went missing. He went to find Sam who came along for the trip. Dean was happy again. The brothers were maybe starting to pick up where they left off. Some wounds can heal over time. But Sam couldn't stay. Dean had known it all along, he guessed. He just wanted things to go back to 'normal'. He wanted his Sammy back. He wanted to find his Dad. He wanted his family. And Sam would do anything to get away from them. Sam went to college. Got a life. And told no one there about his freak brother and strict father. And his own past. Not a soul knew. Not even his own girlfriend.

In many ways Sam was like his father. He'd always thought Dean was the one like John and he, himself were more like the mother he'd never known. Only heard about.

But now he'd lost his girlfriend and his father. His father had lost Sammy and his wife.

Dean had lost his mum. But it wasn't the same. He was four years old and never really remembered much about it. Dean was the Protector more than ever now.

Sam would sacrifice himself for the thing that killed Jess.

John would sacrifice himself for the thing that killed Mary.

Dean had to keep them normal. And yet years ago, it was them keeping him from going insane. Dean didn't know what he'd do if he lost Sammy again. Dean's soul would die if Sammy died. Dean would be lost without his father. And yet both took it for granted Dean would risk his own life to the Demon. Dean didn't know what it was like to lose someone like that. Someone you love. Maybe he would if Sammy died, but this was different. He fought the Supernatural to save people, to get revenge on the thing that took his mother and Sammy's happiness away. But it wasn't the kind of vengeance that Sam and Jon had to kill it. Dean was different.

And when hey did it, then what? Sammy would go back to college, John would continue hunting and Dean would just give up hope of having his little brother back again. Ever. Unless Sam and John had died in the process. Then Dean would live up hope of survival and…die, he supposed. Nothing to live for without his family to protect, without Sammy, without his Dad and without the demon to hunt.

Many months later, the brothers were still looking for their dad. Dean was happy. He could feel the hope at having his family back coursing through him. He could feel the great team he and Sam made. He knew they were doing what they did best. And that little something he'd lost when he lost Sammy had come back. His wounds had healed. There'd be a scar, but maybe some wounds do heal.

Then something bought his hopes crashing down. Something killed that thing inside of him again. Something ripped open the scar and the wound gushed fresh blood.

Sam shot him. His little brother hated him enough to shoot him. Dean felt his heart drop, shatter, and disintegrate. The look of hate in his eyes. The sound of the unloaded gun, the bruise the rocksalt left and the pain Sam left him with. All were in his secret nightmares. Each time more painful than the last. And if it didn't kill him soon, it was bound to kill him eventually. He couldn't go on like his.

Sammy saw a look in the never-at-a-loss Dean's eyes hat day. Something he'd never seen before. Little did he know if he'd have said goodbye to his own brother on the day he left for college…he would've seen it then. Always Dean had looked after Sam. This is how he repays me? Dean thought. Shot of rocksalt to the gut, well, a little above the gut, he hates me. And I couldn't love him more (brotherly love…totally brotherly). When he was little John had called Dean 'Sammy's own body guard'. Dean had always wanted to protect his new baby brother. He wanted to teach him soccer, to teach him about everything. He'd always wanted a little brother for his own. And here was Sammy, ready-made. And Sammy had broken his heart. Dean looked after him until he left for college, and even still then. So did John. Sammy was always the favoured brother. He always got what he wanted. He got a life, he got college, he got just about all he asked for. He was a little shit at times. He was spoilt rotten. And he couldn't see it for a moment.

It seemed like yesterday he was four years old again, carrying Sammy from the burning house. Or when he had dragged Sammy from his burning room he shared with Jess at the college. And yet Dean would never stop loving Sammy. Even if he did shoot him.

Some wounds heal over time. Some don't heal. Dean guessed this wound would heal…a long time to go, he would never forget it, but he knew that the scar would never leave him. His brother shot him one day, the next they were off hunting again and looking for their father. Dean would always be a freak and Sammy would always be strange. The two hadn't had a very normal childhood and wouldn't leave a normal life.

Their small family was sad, broken, full of heartbreak, loneliness and worry, different to everyone else's…But it was still good. Yeah, still good.


End file.
